Musings of a (slightly) older single woman

Posts tagged ‘Relationships’

Internet dating

So I am toying with the idea of signing up with a dating site.  I have already registered but now they want my money.  Recently I have met two people from the internet. One rather loopy and the other rather hot – but WAY to young for me.  He is the one I call Toyboy – we now see each other about once a month – just getting to know each other.  I know there is no future in the relationship yet I am hesitant to walk away because I find it fun and exciting (and he kisses like an absolute dream!)  All we have done is kissed so far.  He arrives to visit again next month.

Why I think it won’t work

  • He is 8 years younger than me
  • He is still interested (maybe) in getting married and having children – I am not able to have any more children and I don’t want anymore
  • He is very ambitious and career driven – I have been there, done that, and now want to relax and enjoy my life
  • He would like to go and live in the USA once his business is better established there – I don’t.
  • We live too far apart ( 2 hour drive)
  • He often works on weekends.
  • He does not communicate very well – leaves messages hanging and seems to hold back a lot

So now tell me why I have not called it all off?  I really baffle myself sometimes 🙂

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I just havent met you yet!

 

….   or have I?

Open letters to the men in my life (past, present and future)

Dear Toyboy

You kiss like a dream but I have the feeling you are toying with me……

Dear WW

You should still be mourning me – not screwing the tart that you messed around with and then told me she is not your type.  You deny it but I have noticed that you have stopped begging to come home.

Dear SS

I got your letter. I see you still deny me my right to have emotions and feelings. I am glad we are not together. I still love and miss you. How sad.

Dear Mr A

You need to get your act together if you are ever going to have a decent relationship.  Be a man, get a spine, make decisions, and don’t let people down. Thank you for still being my friend after I said no.

Dear Girldad

I am glad you are finally happy. That makes me happy.

Dear Boydad

I am still mad at you (after 22 years) for being such a bad example to your child. He deserves better.

Dear Soulmate

Where the heck are you?  I miss you…

My relationship timeline

As mentioned previously, I tend to be a serial monogamist.  For future reference, when I maybe have some blog readers, 🙂 , I have decided to make a relationship timeline for your information (it can get confusing.)

16-21   My first love  – I am still in contact with him (BB)

21-23  My first husband with whom I had my first child (boy) – we have no contact (Boydad)

26-33 My second husband with whom I had my second child (girl) – we still get on great, he has remarried and my daughter has a great stepmom. (Girldad)

34-39 A relationship with the man I mentioned in friday’s post (SS)

39 – 44 My last relationship which recently broke down (WW) – still have contact

Between these relationships there were also a few guys that I dated short-term with whom I also still have contact.

Whew!  Quite a list.

Right, so before a get many mean comments haha I must say that I do realise that I have relationship issues, or at the very least, I do not follow the norm with regards to most people out there.  I guess some folk would think that maybe I am just an airhead that goes from one man to the next (maybe I am).  I do however need to put this all into context.  I am and have been right from the beginning of my career, a successful business woman. I have excelled in many positions and was recruited to work in Europe for an international company for a few years.  I have provided well for my family throughout this time. I own two homes and am seen by most of my friends and family as a rather bright scientist.  Quite a contradiction isn’t it?

I am about to turn 45 years old.  I would like to find out why my relationships don’t last so that I can rectify the problem and finally settle down happily.  This blog is part of the process.

What is love – really?

I was so sure about love when I was younger, confident that I would find it and live happily ever after.  I am living happily ever after and I have loved – or what I think love is, but for me, love for someone outside of my blood relatives, seems to fall  more into a series of monogamous relationships – it’s never been that “one true love” or soul mate for me.

That self assuredness that I had as a young adult seems to have dissolved.  Now, yes I am confident in myself, I know who I am, but I sure as heck don’t have a clue what ‘real love’ is supposed to feel like. I question my ability now to love completely and unconditionally (as I love my children).  Will it ever happen?