Musings of a (slightly) older single woman

Posts tagged ‘life’

When is backsliding a good thing?

Playing on the Merry go round

Playing on the Merry go round by The Knowles Gallery via Flickr

I have been seeing my ex quite often recently – as friends only.  He is lonely and so am I so I thought it would not be a bad thing.  Just over a week ago we spent the whole day together alone doing stuff that we used to do together.  The evening ended on an intimate note  which it should not have done.  I was weak.  I felt sorry for him. I felt sorry for me.

How can I forget the things he did. How can I not remember how he lied and pulled the wool over my eyes while he messed with other girls?  Externally he creates the impression of being a kind and loving man – very considerate and such a gentleman – I know he does this – yet I let it work on me again.  I also know that he lies and cheats.  He has still not admitted to everything that happened.

And I frigging let him under my skin again!  AM I MAD?

I don’t want him back.  I know this.  What am I doing?  He is being so sweet and kind to me – is it real?  Probably not? He is a psychologist.  He messes with my stupid, stupid head.  I LET him!!!!

 

Gah!

Internet dating is at least giving me a few laughs….

This is an excerpt from a message I received from a man on the dating site.  It is from an introductory email –  I really do understand what he is getting at but please(!)  – does one even say these things?  Maybe he was just trying to be funny, and I did laugh out loud……..

During this 7 years, I had 2 fairly serious relationships, one of
which came to an end primarliy as a result of age difference!!, and
the other one with a lady from Germany (we simply fell in love at
first sight)  because there are too many practical difficulties in
terms of her children finishing off school, further education and the
like. The latter and I are still great friends. As a matter of fact,
we recently had a great holiday together, and the photos on the site
was taken during this holiday – so they are “fresh”!!.

The difficulty with this type of making contact is always – where does
one begin?? What topics does one cover??

I am a very “young at heart” individual, and reasonably active. I try
to keep fit by either jogging / going to the gym at least three times
a week. (Heart rate at rest is around 65bpm) I also eat healthy and in
general take pretty good care of myself. (I hate “sloppiness”)
Jokingly (but actually quite serious) I always say that all that a
women has to look for to see if a man looks reasonably well after
himself, is to have a look at his toe nails. Well, I also found
a good bit of validity to this statement in encounters with some women
as well – which of course is a “run” signal!!

Would love to hear your opinions

Happy dating

You have to sort through the chaff

I have finally signed up and paid for an internet dating site and have started to chat to a few men.  Boy-oh-boy, some moments are hilarious and others are downright horrendous.  I guess one finds all sorts of people who are lonely on these sites.

I am currently sorting through the available men in my age range and deleting those that:-

1.  just want sex

2. want a free maid

3. want sex and a free maid

and I think there are very few left.

I started chatting to a man today and when he heard where I live (its quite an exotic location) he told me that I am very lucky to live there.  When I answered him I said, in all seriousness, that I had worked very hard in my life to be able to live the way I do where I do and that I don’t really believe in luck – life is what you make of it.

He replied:

I hate sarcasm

and the dating program said….

Chris has placed you on ignore – you will no longer be able to contact him.

Ha!  And I wonder why I am unlucky in love………..

 

Finding and keeping a life partner

A young woman and man embracing while outdoors.

Image via Wikipedia

I recently found this on the net.  I like what it says. I need to learn it by heart 🙂

 

Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner,no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr. /Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: “We’re in love“. I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.

Though this may sound “not politically correct“, there’s a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again:  “You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone”. You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION 1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage:
(1) You can grow together, or
(2) You can grow apart.
50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION 2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust – i.e. trust that I won’t get “punished”; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION 3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions.
Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
Are they serious about improving themselves?
A teacher of mine defines a good person as “someone who is always striving to be good and do the right “.So ask your significant other what do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world:
(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth, and
(2) People who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION 4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following:
·        How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.
·        How do they treat their parents and siblings?
Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION 5: Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to “improve”them after they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts it, “You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse”. If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; so be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in trouble because you didn’t do your homework.
Another perspective….

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance….

It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships.

Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention….Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don’t really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you…the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, “Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye”. Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don’t let:
·        lust,
·        pity,
·        desperation,
·        immaturity,
·        ignorance,
Pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don’t fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren’t really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can’t take someone to the altar to alter them. You can’t make someone love you or make someone stay.

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and “a life”; you won’t find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG ARE:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace it.

Why is it so difficult to grasp?

Vector image of two human figures with hands i...

Image via Wikipedia

Yesterday a new friend of mine asked me if I get lonely – not having a life partner.  I do.  She said that that was so sad. She wished a wish for me to find a life partner so that I can be happy.  I told her I am happy. She could not grasp that.  Why is it not possible to feel lonely sometimes but to still be happy?  I think it is.  My happiness does not come from outside sources. I get happiness from the inside.

I don’t have to have all my boxes ticked to be happy.  Is that so wrong?  I think she thinks I am lying…..

Further news – I have dumped Toyboy (in a nice way).  It just didn’t feel right and warning bells were ringing. I always ignore warning bells and then regret it later.  This time I didn’t.

So now is the time to sign up for internet dating….  why am I procrastinating?

Priorities vs time (via The Slowvelder)

So very true…………

Priorities vs time I recently read an article on “Time versus Priority”.  Here is an excerpt: The argument goes like this: “I spend most of my time at work, so it must be the highest priority in my life, right?” Wrong! Your work may very well be the highest priority in your life, but don’t assume that it is just because you spend a lot of time there. It’s a fact of life that, in a modern society, we must work in order to earn the money we need to pay for the rest o … Read More

via The Slowvelder

Open letters to the men in my life (past, present and future)

Dear Toyboy

You kiss like a dream but I have the feeling you are toying with me……

Dear WW

You should still be mourning me – not screwing the tart that you messed around with and then told me she is not your type.  You deny it but I have noticed that you have stopped begging to come home.

Dear SS

I got your letter. I see you still deny me my right to have emotions and feelings. I am glad we are not together. I still love and miss you. How sad.

Dear Mr A

You need to get your act together if you are ever going to have a decent relationship.  Be a man, get a spine, make decisions, and don’t let people down. Thank you for still being my friend after I said no.

Dear Girldad

I am glad you are finally happy. That makes me happy.

Dear Boydad

I am still mad at you (after 22 years) for being such a bad example to your child. He deserves better.

Dear Soulmate

Where the heck are you?  I miss you…