Musings of a (slightly) older single woman

A young woman and man embracing while outdoors.

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I recently found this on the net.聽 I like what it says. I need to learn it by heart 馃檪

 

Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner,no one wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%, it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr. /Miss. Right!

If you ask most couples who are engaged why they’re getting married, they’ll say: “We’re in love“. I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should never be based on love.

Though this may sound “not politically correct“, there’s a profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: 聽“You can’t build a lifetime relationship on love alone”. You need a lot more!!!

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you’re serious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION 1: Do we share a common life purpose?
Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you’re married for 20 or 30 years, that’s a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage:
(1) You can grow together, or
(2) You can grow apart.
50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line; and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION 2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of having good communication is trust – i.e. trust that I won’t get “punished”; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION 3: Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test? Here are some suggestions.
Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
Are they serious about improving themselves?
A teacher of mine defines a good person as “someone who is always striving to be good and do the right “.So ask your significant other what do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world:
(1) People who are dedicated to personal growth, and
(2) People who are dedicated to seeking comfort.
Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION 4: How does he/she treat other people?
The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?
To measure this, think about the following:
路聽 聽 聽 聽 How do they treat people whom they do not have to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys, taxi drivers, etc.
路聽 聽 聽 聽 How do they treat their parents and siblings?
Do they have gratitude and appreciation? If they don’t have gratitude for the people who have given them everything; can you do nearly as much for them? You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION 5: Is there anything I’m hoping to change about this person after we’re married?
Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of trying to “improve”them after they’re married. As a colleague of mine puts it, “You can probably expect someone to change after marriage for the worse”. If you cannot fully accept this person the way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn’t have to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objective as possible when you are dating; so be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don’t want to find yourself in trouble because you didn’t do your homework.
Another perspective….

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance….

It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships.

Observe the relationships around you.
Pay attention….Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which ones encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don’t really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you…the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, “Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye”. Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don’t let:
路聽 聽 聽 聽 lust,
路聽 聽 聽 聽 pity,
路聽 聽 聽 聽 desperation,
路聽 聽 聽 聽 immaturity,
路聽 聽 聽 聽 ignorance,
Pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open, and don’t fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren’t really that important.

Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can’t take someone to the altar to alter them. You can’t make someone love you or make someone stay.

If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and “a life”; you won’t find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain. Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG ARE:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain will replace it.

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Yesterday a new friend of mine asked me if I get lonely – not having a life partner.聽 I do.聽 She said that that was so sad. She wished a wish for me to find a life partner so that I can be happy.聽 I told her I am happy. She could not grasp that.聽 Why is it not possible to feel lonely sometimes but to still be happy?聽 I think it is.聽 My happiness does not come from outside sources. I get happiness from the inside.

I don’t have to have all my boxes ticked to be happy.聽 Is that so wrong?聽 I think she thinks I am lying…..

Further news – I have dumped Toyboy (in a nice way).聽 It just didn’t feel right and warning bells were ringing. I always ignore warning bells and then regret it later.聽 This time I didn’t.

So now is the time to sign up for internet dating….聽 why am I procrastinating?

So very true…………

Priorities vs time I recently read an article on “Time versus Priority”.聽 Here is an excerpt: The argument goes like this: “I spend most of my time at work, so it must be the highest priority in my life, right?” Wrong! Your work may very well be the highest priority in your life, but don’t assume that it is just because you spend a lot of time there. It’s a fact of life that, in a modern society, we must work in order to earn the money we need to pay for the rest o 鈥 Read More

via The Slowvelder

Internet dating

So I am toying with the idea of signing up with a dating site.聽 I have already registered but now they want my money.聽 Recently I have met two people from the internet. One rather loopy and the other rather hot – but WAY to young for me.聽 He is the one I call Toyboy – we now see each other about once a month – just getting to know each other.聽 I know there is no future in the relationship yet I am hesitant to walk away because I find it fun and exciting (and he kisses like an absolute dream!)聽 All we have done is kissed so far.聽 He arrives to visit again next month.

Why I think it won’t work

  • He is 8 years younger than me
  • He is still interested (maybe) in getting married and having children – I am not able to have any more children and I don’t want anymore
  • He is very ambitious and career driven – I have been there, done that, and now want to relax and enjoy my life
  • He would like to go and live in the USA once his business is better established there – I don’t.
  • We live too far apart ( 2 hour drive)
  • He often works on weekends.
  • He does not communicate very well – leaves messages hanging and seems to hold back a lot

So now tell me why I have not called it all off?聽 I really baffle myself sometimes 馃檪

I just havent met you yet!

 

….聽聽 or have I?

Dear Toyboy

You kiss like a dream but I have the feeling you are toying with me……

Dear WW

You should still be mourning me – not screwing the tart that you messed around with and then told me she is not your type.聽 You deny it but I have noticed that you have stopped begging to come home.

Dear SS

I got your letter. I see you still deny me my right to have emotions and feelings. I am glad we are not together. I still love and miss you. How sad.

Dear Mr A

You need to get your act together if you are ever going to have a decent relationship.聽 Be a man, get a spine, make decisions, and don’t let people down. Thank you for still being my friend after I said no.

Dear Girldad

I am glad you are finally happy. That makes me happy.

Dear Boydad

I am still mad at you (after 22 years) for being such a bad example to your child. He deserves better.

Dear Soulmate

Where the heck are you?聽 I miss you…

My relationship timeline

As mentioned previously, I tend to be a serial monogamist.聽 For future reference, when I maybe have some blog readers, 馃檪 , I have decided to make a relationship timeline for your information (it can get confusing.)

16-21聽聽 My first love聽 – I am still in contact with him (BB)

21-23聽 My first husband with whom I had my first child (boy) – we have no contact (Boydad)

26-33 My second husband with whom I had my second child (girl) – we still get on great, he has remarried and my daughter has a great stepmom. (Girldad)

34-39 A relationship with the man I mentioned in friday’s post (SS)

39 – 44 My last relationship which recently broke down (WW) – still have contact

Between these relationships there were also a few guys that I dated short-term with whom I also still have contact.

Whew!聽 Quite a list.

Right, so before a get many mean comments haha I must say that I do realise that I have relationship issues, or at the very least, I do not follow the norm with regards to most people out there.聽 I guess some folk would think that maybe I am just an airhead that goes from one man to the next (maybe I am).聽 I do however need to put this all into context.聽 I am and have been right from the beginning of my career, a successful business woman. I have excelled in many positions and was recruited to work in Europe for an international company for a few years.聽 I have provided well for my family throughout this time. I own two homes and am seen by most of my friends and family as a rather bright scientist.聽 Quite a contradiction isn’t it?

I am about to turn 45 years old.聽 I would like to find out why my relationships don’t last so that I can rectify the problem and finally settle down happily.聽 This blog is part of the process.