Musings of a (slightly) older single woman

Archive for the ‘ex boyfriends’ Category

When is backsliding a good thing?

Playing on the Merry go round

Playing on the Merry go round by The Knowles Gallery via Flickr

I have been seeing my ex quite often recently – as friends only.  He is lonely and so am I so I thought it would not be a bad thing.  Just over a week ago we spent the whole day together alone doing stuff that we used to do together.  The evening ended on an intimate note  which it should not have done.  I was weak.  I felt sorry for him. I felt sorry for me.

How can I forget the things he did. How can I not remember how he lied and pulled the wool over my eyes while he messed with other girls?  Externally he creates the impression of being a kind and loving man – very considerate and such a gentleman – I know he does this – yet I let it work on me again.  I also know that he lies and cheats.  He has still not admitted to everything that happened.

And I frigging let him under my skin again!  AM I MAD?

I don’t want him back.  I know this.  What am I doing?  He is being so sweet and kind to me – is it real?  Probably not? He is a psychologist.  He messes with my stupid, stupid head.  I LET him!!!!

 

Gah!

Why is it so difficult to grasp?

Vector image of two human figures with hands i...

Image via Wikipedia

Yesterday a new friend of mine asked me if I get lonely – not having a life partner.  I do.  She said that that was so sad. She wished a wish for me to find a life partner so that I can be happy.  I told her I am happy. She could not grasp that.  Why is it not possible to feel lonely sometimes but to still be happy?  I think it is.  My happiness does not come from outside sources. I get happiness from the inside.

I don’t have to have all my boxes ticked to be happy.  Is that so wrong?  I think she thinks I am lying…..

Further news – I have dumped Toyboy (in a nice way).  It just didn’t feel right and warning bells were ringing. I always ignore warning bells and then regret it later.  This time I didn’t.

So now is the time to sign up for internet dating….  why am I procrastinating?

Open letters to the men in my life (past, present and future)

Dear Toyboy

You kiss like a dream but I have the feeling you are toying with me……

Dear WW

You should still be mourning me – not screwing the tart that you messed around with and then told me she is not your type.  You deny it but I have noticed that you have stopped begging to come home.

Dear SS

I got your letter. I see you still deny me my right to have emotions and feelings. I am glad we are not together. I still love and miss you. How sad.

Dear Mr A

You need to get your act together if you are ever going to have a decent relationship.  Be a man, get a spine, make decisions, and don’t let people down. Thank you for still being my friend after I said no.

Dear Girldad

I am glad you are finally happy. That makes me happy.

Dear Boydad

I am still mad at you (after 22 years) for being such a bad example to your child. He deserves better.

Dear Soulmate

Where the heck are you?  I miss you…

My relationship timeline

As mentioned previously, I tend to be a serial monogamist.  For future reference, when I maybe have some blog readers, 🙂 , I have decided to make a relationship timeline for your information (it can get confusing.)

16-21   My first love  – I am still in contact with him (BB)

21-23  My first husband with whom I had my first child (boy) – we have no contact (Boydad)

26-33 My second husband with whom I had my second child (girl) – we still get on great, he has remarried and my daughter has a great stepmom. (Girldad)

34-39 A relationship with the man I mentioned in friday’s post (SS)

39 – 44 My last relationship which recently broke down (WW) – still have contact

Between these relationships there were also a few guys that I dated short-term with whom I also still have contact.

Whew!  Quite a list.

Right, so before a get many mean comments haha I must say that I do realise that I have relationship issues, or at the very least, I do not follow the norm with regards to most people out there.  I guess some folk would think that maybe I am just an airhead that goes from one man to the next (maybe I am).  I do however need to put this all into context.  I am and have been right from the beginning of my career, a successful business woman. I have excelled in many positions and was recruited to work in Europe for an international company for a few years.  I have provided well for my family throughout this time. I own two homes and am seen by most of my friends and family as a rather bright scientist.  Quite a contradiction isn’t it?

I am about to turn 45 years old.  I would like to find out why my relationships don’t last so that I can rectify the problem and finally settle down happily.  This blog is part of the process.

A blast from the past

About 6 years ago I broke up with my then boyfriend.  We had been dating for 5 years and owned a house together. It was a tough decision which had taken me months of mind wrangling with myself, we even went so far as to go for counselling. But eventually I made the call and left him.  I loved him very much but he sucked all my energy out of me. I had to go.

He was a nice guy (mostly.)  He did not know how to deal with emotion – mine or his.  He punished by with-holding affection.  I was punished if I displayed any emotion other than total love and adoration. I was not allowed to have any needs.

After I left him he went through a bit of a tough patch and he asked me to not make any contact with him once we had settled the house deal as he needed time to find himself.

Fast forward 6 years – I received this email last week.

Hi (Alternativelyme),

I was on the internet a couple of days ago and I googled you.

I found your blog, which when I read it, stirred up all the feelings and emotions in me that I have been trying to suppress for so long.

It feels like I have been living my life in limbo for the past 5 years and never really going anywhere. I love you with all my heart and I always will. There is not a day in my life that goes by, where I do not think of you. I think everybody has one perfect match in life, and you are mine. I have had a couple of girlfriends over the years, but I suppose I have always compared them to you and they have never compared, so it has never worked out.

I know you probably don’t wont to hear this, but perhaps by putting my feelings down on paper, I can get some closure and move on in life. I have written you a thousand emails that I never sent., but I guess if you are reading this then I finally had the balls to send it.

It sounds like you have a great new life and I wish you the best and all the happiness it can bring.

I don’t expect a reply, in fact I don’t think I want a reply. Perhaps just an acknowledgment that you have read this would be good.

xxxxxxxxx <- not kisses

(Double-ex boyfriend)

I would love to hear your comments on this. How would you have reacted?