Playing on the Merry go round by The Knowles Gallery via Flickr
I have been seeing my ex quite often recently – as friends only. He is lonely and so am I so I thought it would not be a bad thing. Just over a week ago we spent the whole day together alone doing stuff that we used to do together. The evening ended on an intimate note which it should not have done. I was weak. I felt sorry for him. I felt sorry for me.
How can I forget the things he did. How can I not remember how he lied and pulled the wool over my eyes while he messed with other girls? Externally he creates the impression of being a kind and loving man – very considerate and such a gentleman – I know he does this – yet I let it work on me again. I also know that he lies and cheats. He has still not admitted to everything that happened.
And I frigging let him under my skin again! AM I MAD?
I don’t want him back. I know this. What am I doing? He is being so sweet and kind to me – is it real? Probably not? He is a psychologist. He messes with my stupid, stupid head. I LET him!!!!
Image via Wikipedia
Yesterday a new friend of mine asked me if I get lonely – not having a life partner. I do. She said that that was so sad. She wished a wish for me to find a life partner so that I can be happy. I told her I am happy. She could not grasp that. Why is it not possible to feel lonely sometimes but to still be happy? I think it is. My happiness does not come from outside sources. I get happiness from the inside.
I don’t have to have all my boxes ticked to be happy. Is that so wrong? I think she thinks I am lying…..
Further news – I have dumped Toyboy (in a nice way). It just didn’t feel right and warning bells were ringing. I always ignore warning bells and then regret it later. This time I didn’t.
So now is the time to sign up for internet dating…. why am I procrastinating?
You kiss like a dream but I have the feeling you are toying with me……
You should still be mourning me – not screwing the tart that you messed around with and then told me she is not your type. You deny it but I have noticed that you have stopped begging to come home.
I got your letter. I see you still deny me my right to have emotions and feelings. I am glad we are not together. I still love and miss you. How sad.
Dear Mr A
You need to get your act together if you are ever going to have a decent relationship. Be a man, get a spine, make decisions, and don’t let people down. Thank you for still being my friend after I said no.
I am glad you are finally happy. That makes me happy.
I am still mad at you (after 22 years) for being such a bad example to your child. He deserves better.
Where the heck are you? I miss you…
As mentioned previously, I tend to be a serial monogamist. For future reference, when I maybe have some blog readers, 🙂 , I have decided to make a relationship timeline for your information (it can get confusing.)
16-21 My first love – I am still in contact with him (BB)
21-23 My first husband with whom I had my first child (boy) – we have no contact (Boydad)
26-33 My second husband with whom I had my second child (girl) – we still get on great, he has remarried and my daughter has a great stepmom. (Girldad)
34-39 A relationship with the man I mentioned in friday’s post (SS)
39 – 44 My last relationship which recently broke down (WW) – still have contact
Between these relationships there were also a few guys that I dated short-term with whom I also still have contact.
Whew! Quite a list.
Right, so before a get many mean comments haha I must say that I do realise that I have relationship issues, or at the very least, I do not follow the norm with regards to most people out there. I guess some folk would think that maybe I am just an airhead that goes from one man to the next (maybe I am). I do however need to put this all into context. I am and have been right from the beginning of my career, a successful business woman. I have excelled in many positions and was recruited to work in Europe for an international company for a few years. I have provided well for my family throughout this time. I own two homes and am seen by most of my friends and family as a rather bright scientist. Quite a contradiction isn’t it?
I am about to turn 45 years old. I would like to find out why my relationships don’t last so that I can rectify the problem and finally settle down happily. This blog is part of the process.
About 6 years ago I broke up with my then boyfriend. We had been dating for 5 years and owned a house together. It was a tough decision which had taken me months of mind wrangling with myself, we even went so far as to go for counselling. But eventually I made the call and left him. I loved him very much but he sucked all my energy out of me. I had to go.
He was a nice guy (mostly.) He did not know how to deal with emotion – mine or his. He punished by with-holding affection. I was punished if I displayed any emotion other than total love and adoration. I was not allowed to have any needs.
After I left him he went through a bit of a tough patch and he asked me to not make any contact with him once we had settled the house deal as he needed time to find himself.
Fast forward 6 years – I received this email last week.
I was on the internet a couple of days ago and I googled you.
I found your blog, which when I read it, stirred up all the feelings and emotions in me that I have been trying to suppress for so long.
It feels like I have been living my life in limbo for the past 5 years and never really going anywhere. I love you with all my heart and I always will. There is not a day in my life that goes by, where I do not think of you. I think everybody has one perfect match in life, and you are mine. I have had a couple of girlfriends over the years, but I suppose I have always compared them to you and they have never compared, so it has never worked out.
I know you probably don’t wont to hear this, but perhaps by putting my feelings down on paper, I can get some closure and move on in life. I have written you a thousand emails that I never sent., but I guess if you are reading this then I finally had the balls to send it.
It sounds like you have a great new life and I wish you the best and all the happiness it can bring.
I don’t expect a reply, in fact I don’t think I want a reply. Perhaps just an acknowledgment that you have read this would be good.
xxxxxxxxx <- not kisses
I would love to hear your comments on this. How would you have reacted?