Musings of a (slightly) older single woman

Playing on the Merry go round

Playing on the Merry go round by The Knowles Gallery via Flickr

I have been seeing my ex quite often recently – as friends only.  He is lonely and so am I so I thought it would not be a bad thing.  Just over a week ago we spent the whole day together alone doing stuff that we used to do together.  The evening ended on an intimate note  which it should not have done.  I was weak.  I felt sorry for him. I felt sorry for me.

How can I forget the things he did. How can I not remember how he lied and pulled the wool over my eyes while he messed with other girls?  Externally he creates the impression of being a kind and loving man – very considerate and such a gentleman – I know he does this – yet I let it work on me again.  I also know that he lies and cheats.  He has still not admitted to everything that happened.

And I frigging let him under my skin again!  AM I MAD?

I don’t want him back.  I know this.  What am I doing?  He is being so sweet and kind to me – is it real?  Probably not? He is a psychologist.  He messes with my stupid, stupid head.  I LET him!!!!

 

Gah!

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Comments on: "When is backsliding a good thing?" (4)

  1. I don’t get it. In general, who are your friends? I know that my friends have to be people I respect and enjoy.

    Respect. So, I can’t even relate to hanging out with this guy who you can’t even respect, even just as friends!

    But I’m being so harsh here. I know. You’re doing it because you’re alone and you don’t want to be and he provides a comfortable space because you used to be with him.

    Still, if you cannot respect someone (and if half of what you wrote about him is true, I am not sure where respect would fit in), I don’t get letting them become anything even close to a friend.

    This is a harsh comment. I think because I’m in a bad mood (about my own stuff – ho hum). Please let me know if I was too harsh here.

    D

    • Not too harsh at all Deena. I think what really messes with me is the guy I knew and loved and respected was so devious behind my back. I and the world saw this extremely loving and kind human who he still portrays. It was behind the scenes that bad things happened and I found out. I still struggle to believe this man did those things even although I have solid proof. It’s as if he was two different peope and I still see the nice one – hard to explain?

      • Wow. That sounds like such a painful thing to have to deal with! I can’t imagine being close to someone who is basically a bad guy and a good guy, both at the same time. 😦

        One of my sisters has taught me about the power of distraction. I wonder if that could work here. Really get into finding someone else to go on a date with. Go online, chat it up… (OK, I feel like you’re doing all of that already…)

        Basically, instead of thinking so much about this ex and trying to figure him out, try to distract yourself from him so you’ll think about him less.

        Not sure that would ever work for me but let me know if you decide to try it and if it works for you. 🙂

  2. TheIdiotSpeaketh said:

    You are human, and loneliness can be a very powerful emotion. Sometimes it will temporarily cloud our better judgement. You are not MAD….just human!

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